What comes around goes around:
raising kids who can think and feel

Starting now, I'm going to presume to tell you how to raise your kids. I know that's taboo in our society — we are supposed to keep our mouths shut about how our friends and neighbors bring up the next generation, even to the point that we don't report child abuse sometimes until after the kid is dead. But I think it's time for some discussion of raising kids to think, and consequently to better prepare them for life in this world.

I do have some qualifications for the job of parenting. I had parents; I have two children. I know that neither of those characteristics really has anything particularly unusual about it. Everyone in the world can meet the first qualification; anyone who relies on luck or the rhythm method can meet the second. But I believe my kids can think, reason, and make good decisions, and I want to talk about how that happy result came to be. (At any rate, I think it's a happy result. Some of my kid's teachers — and one or two of the parents of their friends — might not agree.)

The other important point before we get started: none of us knows what to do with our kids all the time. Most of the time, we feel our way through the darkness guided by love and instinct, and drawing on our own experience either with other kids, or remembering what it felt like when we were in a similar spot with our own parents. I can't think of a case where doing the best you can, thoughtfully and lovingly, and looking at all the angles you can see, isn't the right thing. If you're really stuck, go to someone you trust and talk to them. But remember that life is a crapshoot -- no matter what advice you get, you need to make the final call and do what you think is best. And that's all you can do. Learn to trust yourself, or else there's no way your kids can.

Nota Bene: This is a work in progress. Not all sections have content; some content changes over time. Caveat Emptor.

Truth

First rule: Always be truthful with your kids. This doesn't mean overwhelming them with facts. Or telling them things they can't really comprehend yet. But tell them the truth as you know it. And be honest when you don't know an answer.

Let's take an example. Your two year old says, "What's this?" while fondling his penis. The correct answer is: "That's your penis." Not winky, or willy, or pee-pee. [Or, even more importantly, the answer is NOT "Don't touch that!"] Of course, the follow-up question, either then or in a few months, will be "Do you have one? " To which, of course, you say, "Yes," if you do, and "No," if you don't. The trick to this is simple.... only answer the question they asked. They didn't ask, "What do you have instead?" or "what's it good for?" So, don't answer those questions until they actually get asked.

Is this duplicitous? Certainly not when your child is little. Frequently, if the kid can't articulate the question, he or she isn't ready for the answer.When holding back on information feels like cheating, it probably is. You'll know it when you feel it.

Second rule: Don't pretend to be something you're not. We aren't omnipotent. We're not omniscient. Sometimes, we're not even really very smart. I can't color in the lines very well, and my horses always look more like sausages on toothpicks. But that's OK. In fact, it's better than OK. It's critical that your kid not think you're perfect, because when you fail to live up to that expectation, it's an awful shock. There are lots of famous stories -- novels, even -- about kids finding out that their moms or dads have clay feet. If you don't set them up with that expectation, from the very beginning, they grow up thinking you are human. Why is that important? Because it gives them permission to be human, too. If you give yourself permission to be less than perfect, to try and fail and try again, or to color outside the lines once in awhile, then they can fail without flagellating themselves. That gives them space to get up and try again. It also helps them realize, when they get older, that people have differing strengths. I can't draw worth a damn -- but my son can, and so can my daughter's sweetie.Two things come from this realization. One, they find out they can learn from different people. Two, they find that there are things they can teach you. Do you know how wonderful it feels when your kid discovers there is something she can teach you? One of the things that helps kids and parents stay friends, when they are growing and grown, is sharing things. If a kid knows there's something he can do for you, something that's special, he has a firm foundation to stand on, something to help build his confidence.

Third rule: Kids need to know that there's reality out there. Do you remember (well, maybe you don't) when Walter Cronkite introduced us to day-by-day pictures of war, something we'd never seen before? I was just about the same age as my son is now when I first saw soldiers sitting in the mud with bloody clothing and bandages, and that horrifying picture of Phan Thi Kim Phuc, running naked down the dirt road to get away from the napalm bombs hitting her village. It's no wonder that the generation confronted by the nasty realities of war protested it at every turn. But the point is this: yes, we want to protect our children from horrific things which are beyond their understanding. But kids understand things a lot earlier than you think, and more and more information is available to them than was available to us when we were kids. There are more news programs, the Internet., lots of ways that kids hear about what's going on. We guard them better by exposing them to the truth than we do by shielding them. It's sort of like allergy therapy -- a little exposure every week helps prevent massive allergy attacks later on.

There are a lot of things our kids need to know about. Lots of the other topics here deal in more detail with those things: money, sex, anger, friends, school. For example: When my daughter was six, more than 15 years ago, we were listening to All Things Considered on NPR. There was a story about the (then) rising AIDS epidemic. She turned to me and said, "What is a gay man, mom?" I could have ditched the question. I chose not to; I answered, "A gay man is someone who loves another man in the same way I love <my then husband.>" She said, "Oh," and then thought about it for a while. "Are there gay women?" she finally asked. "Yup," I said. Her reply? "OK." Over the suceeding years we had more complex discussions about the topic. But since I didn't hide the fact that gays exist, lie to her about them, or respond with shock, she didn't see anything to be freaked out about. My son and I had a similar conversation at about the same age, and deeper discussions over the years. When our family became close to a gay couple, my son took it in stride, and has even asked questions about what their life is like. One of the things this has done is give him armor against schoolyard jibes and taunts, and a willingness to shelter younger kids when they are being accused of being fags because they aren't as athletic as some of the kids, or other cruel reasons. Knowledge is power; it's never smart to withold the facts of life from kids, because it leaves them naked and alone when life smacks them in the face. Your job is to prepare them for life; don't leave them unequipped.

Fourth rule: Don't lie to yourself. It doesn't help anyone. If your kid acts like he's hiding drugs or cigarettes or Playboy Magazines in his room, he probably is, and if you ignore it, are you helping him? If she's going to class stoned, it's not the teacher's fault she's flunking algebra, and making excuses for her won't help her develop strength of character. If the calendar (or the mirror) tells you your kid was born 15 or 16 years ago, he or she is probably going through the same kind of angst, carbonated hormones, and confusion that you did at the same age. And he's worthy of the respect due someone who in many other cultures is already taking on adult responsibilities. Don't treat him like a six-year-old.

Lying to yourself includes failing to realistically assess the repercussions and outcomes of disagreements with your kid. Does it really matter if your kindergartener wears clothes that don't match, if she's getting herself dressed every morning? Will green hair really change your son's responsible, pleasant personality, or keep him from getting his Eagle Scout? Choose your battles carefully -- you've built up a storehouse of trust with that kid, and you shouldn't waste it on things which are purely cosmetic, or really superficial. If you're having a problem with something your kid does, look honestly at what the cause of your response is. If your daughter wants to go to the junior prom when she's only a freshman, is your automatic "no!" based on an assessment of her ability to handle herself, or jealousy and spite because you didn't get invited when you were her age? Are you saying no to a new radio he wants to buy with his birthday money because your mother never let you make decisions about how to spend your money? Don't refight battles you lost with your own parents. We may be our parents, but surely we can overcome that, right?

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Partners

My two kids each have different fathers. (I may be pretty good at being a parent, but I'm not sure I'd start writing an essay on being a good marriage partner. At the very least my credibility would be questionable.) Those fathers have been, even after the divorces, active in our children's lives. This is a good thing -- even if they were unpleasant people, which they are not. Kids need to know both their parents, if at all possible. Even with their flaws hanging out all over them. There is more damage to be done by keeping kids from knowing who it is that gave birth to them. [OK. I know nothing about adoption or adopted kids. Their mileage may vary here.]

This is not to say that children should be left in the full-time care of abusive parents, be they emotionally abusive or physically abusive. They shouldn't, no matter what some idiot judges think about the "sanctity" of the intact family. But the normal case, where two generally middle-of-the-road nice people are breaking up, it's better to have something resembling normal daily contact. Remember that you and that person created that child, and you will be partners until at least high school graduation, and usually beyond, in raising him or her. Financially, too, you'll be linked one way or another for up to 18 years. In both of my divorces my ex and I have shared joint physical custody as well as joint legal custody. This means each of us had both the responsibility of 24-hour-a-day parenting and the experience of being a single person. Both situations are good for both the child and each parent. If you can work together, develop a good set of ground rules for your working relationship, and if you're going to continue to live in reasonable geographic proximity, I'd recommend giving joint custody a try.

When I realized the first time that I was becoming a divorced parent, I also figured out that while I might live alone, I wasn't a single parent. As long as my child's father is alive and involved in our child's life, I have a partner in parenting. Because of that, one of the first rules I put in place for myself was not to involve our daughter in the emotional turmoil of the separation. I'm not talking about the inevitable collateral damage that that happens to the kids when a divorce occurs. I'm talking about not putting kids in the middle of the boxing ring. Why you split -- be it for cause, such as adultery or battery, or no-fault for other reasons -- is between the two of you and your lawyers. It's not the kids' business. Kids have enough trouble understanding that they didn't cause the divorce. Don't wrap them up in the details of why you and your spouse no longer want to be married. Maybe some day it will be relevant, and you will be past enough of the anger that you can talk about it with them. But don't do it in the first few months, or years, after the separation.

By the same token, don't use the kids as conduits or negotiating channels. No kid should be in charge of your communications with your ex. If you can't stand to talk to him or her on the phone, use paper mail, email, or some adult go-between. Not the kids. Every time you can keep the kid out of your argument with your ex-spouse, everyone wins.

Nor should you gripe about your ex in front of the kid. My California divorce papers explicitly say that one partner should not attempt to taint the relationship of the child with the other parent -- and isn't it a sad commentary on how some people think that it has to be explicitly spelled out in a court order?. Use some other adult as your venting partner, your shoulder to cry on. The damage that happen when you rely on your child for your major emotional support is scary -- well, just think about Norman Bates for a while.

But back to partners in general. The same rules for keeping the kids out of your communications apply to parents who are still married. If you're not talking to one another, for gods' sake don't make the kids your communication channel. Don't complain about your spouse or partner to the kids. Kids are pretty good at telling what's going on between their parents, even if they are too young to tell the source of the problem. You don't need to add to that perception. This doesn't mean never letting the kids know you are angry with one another. All kids are telepathic, or at least astonishingly sensitive to the moods of their parents. (Don't laugh. It's a survival skill.). Hiding the fact that you're angry at one another is worse for them than the anger. Just don't snipe at your spouse to -- or through -- the kids.

On the other hand, telling the kids what you like about your spouse can't be done too often. You are role models for the kids in how to be in a relationship, and one way they learn how and why adults love one another is when you tell them. They also learn to be more open about their feelings, and to describe how actions affect them.

Married or divorced, both parents need to have a real relationship with the child. Even if you and your partner don't work out an "everything is divided down the middle" schedule for housework, chores, or other items around the house, each of you should spend time with the kids. Both kinds of time -- the fun, special times, like playing a game or cutting Jack-o-lanterns or reading before bedtime as well as the less fun chores or other necessary tasks. It's important for the kids that they see each parent doing things that are less than fun. The old adage about "many hands making light work" does not, I'll admit, hold true when trying to clean house with a four-year-old helping. But they have to learn somehow, and how you treat them makes all the difference in the world both in how they see themselves and how they approach chores later on in life. If you make them feel useless, that's exactly how they turn out. If you give them tasks that are age appropriate and which have real results -- even a four-year-old can pick up his or her toys -- they learn how to do real work, responsibly. And, importantly for later life and your relationship with both kids and partners, never let one parent end up being the "fun" parent and the other the slave driver. Equal responsibility and equal rights mean everybody gets some of the good and some of the tedious.

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Other people

My mother was always leery of my friendships/mentoring relationships with other adults. As a teen, my first suspicion was that she was worried about what I would reveal about our family life. If you don't know this already, let me tell you an important truth. Your child's day care provider or elementary school teacher knows everything the child knows about how your home life goes. If it's not in the kind of innocent statements of fact that children blurt out ("My dad sleeps on the couch when he snores. "My mom bounced a check last week." "My aunt Sally drank too much wine at Thanksgiving dinner and dropped her wig in the toilet and Dad says he's never going to let her come back."), it shows up in their response to stories, assignments, or art. Your child's teachers can be your ally in raising your children, not your enemy. Keep in close contact with them. (More of this in the section on School.)

As an adult, I began to wonder if Mom's fears about other adults as role models and mentors might not be linked to something more fundamental -- her fear that I'd turn to other people because they were "better" than she was at parenting or educating. As a parent, I realized this fear was unfounded. Our kids love us because we are their parents. Unless we abuse them horrifically, they love us pretty much unconditionally forever. We all go through stages where we like our parents (or our kids!) more than at other times, but pretty much that link to our parents stays forever. And one of the gifts we can give them is the freedom to be friends with, and learn from, other adults.

Why? Because the more kids learn about how other people think, the better prepared they are to live in the world. Because not all of us are good at everything, and someone else may be a better teacher than you are. But most of all because they need someone other than Mom or Dad to talk things over with, sometimes.

This is important, so let me say it again. Kids need to talk things over with someone who isn't you. At some point they're going to feel desperate, in a situation they don't know how to handle, and they're going to go to someone. It would be great if it were always you. But it's not going to be, and if you've closed off their avenues to meet other adults and develop trust relationships with them, your kids will be screwed. That's when they do the truly stupid things, the things that are either nearly unfixable or literally deadly. Don't box them into this corner.

I've found that if I give my kids the freedom to learn from other adults, they still come back to me to talk about the issues closest to them. (Lord, that sounds a lot like that sappy bumper sticker about proving you love something by letting it go, doesn't it?) If I'm clutchy with them, they'll squirm harder trying to get away. And fear of hurting me -- or incurring my anger if they have a relationship with an adult and I'll disapprove -- will make them hide things from me. That's bad news. When your kids are afraid to tell you what's going on, all sorts of bad and nasty things can happen. Should they get into an abusive or inappropriate relationship, they'll be doubly afraid of telling you, because they figure you'll be mad they trusted this adult in the first place, and then mad that they lied to you. Bad cycle to get into. Break it before it starts by showing trust and love for your kid.

It's OK if you're jealous. Jealousy is normal, because it's almost always based on fear. It takes a lot of guts to let your kids go, to let them develop closeness with someone else. You may be afraid that they'll start to depend on the other person more than you. Chances are they will, at least for some things. That's pretty normal, too -- kids as they are growing up figure their parents don't really get it. (We probably don't. I confess, for the life of me I can't figure out why my daughter wants to go poke holes in parts of her body other than her ears. But it's important and meaningful to her.) If we are lucky, and we have enough time, chances are when they get older we'll get smarter.

It's best if you can take some joy in your child's relationship with the other person. Look at the special gifts that person brings to your child, the things your child can learn from that person. That's hard, if you can't stand the other adult. It happens. But if there's no reason to believe that person will harm your child, you're doing the best thing to let that relationship run its course. You may learn something, too, including what your child sees in the person.

[Does that advice sound like it would fit when your child starts dating, too? Surprise -- it does. One of the reasons we get worried or upset when our kids start dating is our fear of being supplanted. Get used to it. Your child will grow up, and other people will come into his or her life. If you can adjust to that idea when the child is, say, three months old and going into daycare everyone will be better off. Especially the child.]

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Sex

While I was thinking about your son I was also reminded that this was the age when lots of questions came up about sexuality,
gender, bodies, etc.

There are a couple of good books that Duncan and Jen both said had answers they like. One is:

Talking With Your Child About Sex, by Mary Calderone This is divided into ages, in a Q&A format, and has great ideas about what level of detail your kid will be interested in. I really, really found it useful. It's old -- 1984 -- but still good. Eventually I just gave it to Jen to read (she was about 13). Amazon used to have 17 used copies available.

Duncan also recommends a book I used with him and Jen, called "Growing up Feeling Good: A Child's Introduction to Sexuality", by Stephanie Waxman. Amazon has it in the 1987 paperback issue, which is the one I have: Publisher: Panjandrum; ISBN: 0915572354; (March 1987) Another oldie, but very good. It's a book with lots of pictures, and talks about different kinds of families -- single parent, "traditional nuclear", extended, gay, grandparents raising kids. It also talks about bodies and sex and birth, also with lots of pictures. I found that kids read up to the point they're interested in and come back to it later when they've got more questions. [Note -- this is NOT Hiley Ward's "Feeling Good About Myself," which is so preachy I wanted to throw it at something....]

Lennart Nilsen's book of in-utero pictures is also good when kids are about 8 and want to know what pregnancy is really all about. This is a new edition with new pictures, all taken of living babies inside living women. It was glorious to have while I was pregnant, and very helpful when I wanted to explain to my daughter what her future sib looked like "right now!"

Duncan at 13 had so many questions (Technical in nature) that I couldn't remember the exact answer to (or don't know, not being a boy) that I bought him a copy of Desmond Morris's The Naked Ape, which I recall as answering all my questions at about that age with the right level of detail. He read bits of it that interested him, and still goes back to chapters that are relevant now. (He's fascinated, as I am, by body language and behaviors outside of sex.)

Most recently, I got him a copy of The Guy Book: An Owner's Manual which a male friend says he gave to his boys and they liked a lot. He's loved it. It has a lot of info on boys, their bodies, their issues with friends, and such necessary details as how to buy a corsage and tie a tie. He's asked intelligent questions, sparked by the book, and has read bits of it over and over.

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Siblings

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School

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Work

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Money

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Friends

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Growing Up

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Anger

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Love

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Religion

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Advice

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Notes

Some general parenting books you might engjoy...